Journal (untitled)

September 4 – Thursday

It has been raining for days, maybe weeks. Longer since we've seen the sun. The clouds rolled in on a Sunday a month or so ago. At first they were white, but slowly darkened as the days passed, until they were almost black. It got darker and colder and then it started raining, and raining, and raining, and it hasn't stopped. Water runs through the streets now, like shallow rivers, right up to our doorsteps, but no higher. Strange.

Life goes on. We go to school, working, shopping. We have to; there's no other choice. They say it's not bad enough to shut down business. But I wonder, have they seen the things in the shadows? I saw the first one a few days ago on my way to school, in the shadow of the fence by the corner store. Tall, black, humanoid with long, thin limbs, almost emaciated looking. But it was gone when I looked again. I thought I'd imagined it, thought it was just a shadow itself, just a trick of the light. I saw another one on the way home, though, and a couple the next day, and two together this very morning by a building at school. I don't know who or what they are, but I think they're related to the rain. I see them everywhere now, but only in the darkest shadows.

I haven't told anyone about them. What if they think I'm crazy? I can't be crazy. Seventeen is too young to be going crazy! Even Jessika...I don't know how she would react, and she's my best friend! Dad says I can tell him anything. He know's something's been bothering me, but I just can't bring myself to tell him. Maybe soon. It's only been a few days. Maybe they'll go away.

September 7 – Sunday

I told Dad. I couldn't keep it in anymore. I just keep seeing those...shadow people. They're everywhere. Still only in dark shadows, but they are there. But I haven't seen them inside the house, or building at school, only outside, now that I think about it.

Anyway, I told Dad. I was nervous and hopeful and...and what did I expect? That he would actually believe me? That he would hug me and tell me not to worry, everything is fine? Yeah, that would have been nice.

He sort of played along for a little while, asked me to describe them, so I did. I look outside to try and find one so I could show him, but there weren't any around the house. I guess I got pretty worked up. He told me I'm probably imagining it, that I should get some rest and try to forget about it. My imagination does tend to run wild when I'm really tired or stressed out, but it's been days! I can't be imagining it for this long.

It's so frustrating. I wish I could tell someone and be believed, so I could get this off my chest, even though I'm still not sure I believe it myself. I just hope I'm not getting to be like Mom...

September 11 – Thursday

Dad saw one last night while we were coming home from the store. Almost crashed the car. Jessika is seeing them too. I've heard a couple of other people in our class mention them. I took some photos but they don't show up in them. What are they?

September 12 – Friday

The rain is letting up a little. It's a pretty steady drizzle now instead of the downpour it's been. The clouds are a little lighter, and the air is a little warmer. Maybe it will stop soon.

The shadow people are still around, silent and passive. I'm used to them now, but Dad still flinches sometimes when he notices one nearby. I pat his arm and tell him it's fine. Because it is fine. They are just watching. If they were going to hurt us they would have done it already. Right?

We're getting more homework in class, now that it's two weeks in. My favorite teacher so far is in English. Ms. Tracey. She's young (for a high school teacher - only 25) but she seems pretty good. Jessika doesn't like her much.

September 22 – Monday

Tanya and Ryan's birthday was this weekend (twins, you know). Their parents got them both new (used) cars! They're both Camrys, Tanya's is black and Ryan's is silver. Tanya took me and Jess for a ride. It's sooooo nice! Heated seats, sunroof, great sound system. It makes me want a new car, but I really like my old truck, with its rusting mint paint job and no FM radio. And new cars are expensive! I've been saving up some money from my job at the supermarket. Plus we get a discount on groceries, so that helps.

I've got a paper to write, due Friday. It's over an author of our choice, their life and inspiration and meaning of their work. I picked H.P. Lovecraft. Ms. Tracey said I chose a morbid topic and she'd rather not see “a pretty girl like me into such dark subject matter,” but I made a pretty good case for myself, I guess, and she let me do it. So what if I like dark literature? She said it was our choice.

October 1 – Wednesday

We got our papers back already and guess who got an A? This girl! Tracey even pulled me aside and said she was impressed with my analysis. I knew my work wouldn't disappoint. Sometimes teachers have to have a little faith in their students.

We're all going over to Tanya and Ryan's after school to start planning for Halloween. A little early, yes, but we're trying to go big this year, since it's our last year of high school. Their mom is making lasagna and said we could stay over if we promise not to get up to any “funny business.” Of course we all know exactly what she means by that. As if I would mess around with Ryan! I mean, he's cute, but he's my best friend's brother and that would be weird! And Jessika has Troy, and they're not going to get up to anything to jeopardize their good standing with Mrs. A.

October 4 – Saturday

There's one inside the house.

I don't know how it got in or why. Maybe they've always been able to come inside, but they chose not to. It hasn't done anything, it's just hanging out in a corner of the kitchen. It's not moving or anything. It's weird. Usually they move. At least like they're breathing or something. I don't get it. Dad didn't let it bother him. He cooked dinner like always, and we ate together on the couch and watched a movie.

When I went to get a glass of water it was still there. That was about twenty minutes ago now. I know Dad's just in the next room if I need him. I won't let it scare me. Time for bed.

October 5 – Sunday – AM

I heard whispers last night. I couldn't make out what the voice was saying. I don't know if I was dreaming or not...I mostly hope I was.

October 5 – Sunday – PM

Dad was in a weird mood tonight, so I made dinner. Pasta, simple, quick. We didn't talk over dinner. I was doing homework at the table and I noticed him staring at me with a kind of faraway look. It took me a couple tries to get his attention but I asked him what was wrong. His answer kind of freaked me out. “You remind me so much of your mother,” he said. They met when she was my age, and I look just like her. I know he sees her every time he looks at me, and it must be painful, and it hurts me too, knowing that. Sometimes I wish I could change the way I look just to help him, to ease that burden. I dye my hair and wear makeup and got out and tan (those are things Mom never did) but I don't know if it helps. I can't ask him.

He loves her and misses her so much. It's been a while since he talked about her. He looked so wistful and sounded so sad, and I couldn't say anything. I just looked back at him until he got up. “She would be proud of you,” he said, “Taking care of your poor old dad. Thank you, baby, I love you.” And he gave me a hug and kissed my head, and then he told me to study hard and went off to read or something.

I'm done with homework now but I can't stop thinking about Mom. I keep trying to remember her face, but it's not coming back right. I remember things she did and said, but I can't remember what she looked like. It's weird. I remember her singing to me at night when I was little, playing with her fancy clothes, painting with her, singing with her in the mirror. We would pretend we were rock stars and use hairbrushes like microphones, and Dad would watch us and smile, cup his hands and make a crowd-cheering noise, our biggest fan.

And I remember the day I came home from a sleepover at Jessika's house and she wasn't home and Dad was crying at the kitchen table. “Daddy, why are you crying?” I asked him. I remember like it was yesterday. He picked me up and sat me on his lap and just held me for a long time before he said anything. And then finally he said, “Your mama had an accident.” And I suggested we should go see her so she would get better faster so she could come home. And he said, “No, baby, mama's not coming home.” His voice was all choked up with tears and it was hard for me to understand. Even at ten, I should have gotten the hint.

I found out later she'd been sick for years, since before I was born...you know, mentally sick. But it had been well controlled. She apparently had an episode and was wandering around for a while before she jumped off a bridge screaming about something chasing her. I don't know. I miss her. I wish...I wish she hadn't done it. I wish she was still here with me. I wish she wasn't crazy. I'm glad I'm not. I hope I'm not.